My 7yo: Daddy could you move over youre sitting in my imaginary dogs spot. I said bye but she walked straight in. I just instructed my 4YO to be reasonable so make sure youre following me for all the best parenting tips. Had I upset her? (Cue applause.) Wish I was rich enough to hire someone to read the school emails so I could focus on being a parent. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Follow me for more eye-opening parenting tips. By Vish Khanna. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Thoughts and prayers at this difficult time. Our drop-off time is 8:24. Someday, God willing, I will attend my childrens weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets. Here are this week's dad jokes, mom puns, funny tweets, memes, and plain old rants from other parents. My 6yo just told me he's 1000 years old and not really human. Welcome to parenthood. Mrs . My 7 yo just asked ME when was his birthdate. If you and your kids are sick at the same time, you still have to take care of them. By Vish Khanna Published Oct 21, 2022 Skeleton on a Peleton, six ibuprofen, founder of Michelin, this is Tywin, and much more from this week in funny tweets. No word, no hug, not even a wave. 75 of the Funniest Tweets on the Internet Kelly Kuehn Updated: Jan. 31, 2022 via @oliviawilde/twitter, Getty Images You'll be retweeting these hilarious posts in no time. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. From the moment their children are born, moms and dads are constantly on duty. An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) January 9, 2023. The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Sept. 24-30) "My 5yo told me that the baby was really annoying him and I assured him that they get more annoying as they get older" By Caroline Bologna Sep 30, 2022, 09:43 AM EDT Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Students arriving at 8:26 will be late. I honestly hate how true this proved to be. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. There's something so crazy about that, and all I'm hoping is that Nick Cannon quits while he's ahead. Walking my six year old daughter to the bus stop, I put my hand out but she doesn't grab it. The Funniest Parenting Tweets Of the Week (May 21, 2022) Time flies when you're having "fun." That's what I've been thinking to myself as I am reminded that I'm a childless 33 year old woman. Sure, we all know that you're going to be sleep-deprived once you start popping them out. I am sometimes shocked at how ungrateful my kids can act. My 5 year old squeezed my hand and said Daddy, I dont do busy and Ive never related to him more, Ive never met a better negotiator than a kid who doesnt want to go to sleep. That is the question that so many twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings grapple with, and it's a lot harder to answer than you'd think. My toddlers plan for today is to throw snowballs at all the peoples so Im really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later, My 6-year-old asked, "why are they called speed bumps if they slow you down, they should be called slow bumps" & it's seriously amazing how someone with a 10-second attention span is so insightful, *giving my birthdate at the pharmacy9: mom were you born in the 1900s?me: dont ever speak to me that way again, I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said I dont like bending down anymore, 6YO: i need to tell you something *tells me something i already know*ME: yeah i know6YO: but i need to tell you 100 more times. The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Dec. 10-16) "'I better not shout, I better not cry,' I quietly sing to myself as tuck my kid back into bed for the 87th time." By Caroline Bologna Dec 16, 2022, 02:44 PM EST Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Believe it or not, we're at the end of 2022. Being so busy means its easy to forget about making memories with my kids I can tell she loved every four minutes of it before she went to watch TV and left me to do it all, Out of nowhere, my nephew just asked, Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring? and now Im going to be haunted by this question. Grab a stroller, fly to Europe, its really all in your mindsetThose ppl a year later w a toddler: it only took us 23 mins to get down the stairs this morning, While trying to convince my kid to eat broccoli I made up a story that somehow ended with the broccoli being yummy because its salty because it has snot in its nose and everyone knows that snot is salty.what Im saying is that parenting is not for the weak of stomach. I ask her if we beefin and she looks me in the eye and tells me she thinks that she's getting a little . To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Do you love humor and heartwarming stories? Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 21, 2022. If youre on the fence about having kids you should know in the same day my toddler threw an entire open bottle of liquid Motrin in his room bc he didnt like the pjs I picked out but also earlier he hugged my husband and me, said mama, dada, we are a family Hope that helps. The Dad Rule Book states you must say, "we've gotta stop money laundering" every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer. Their little bodies can barely hold so much anticipation, which leads to a lot of frantic energy coming your way. You never thought you'd want to fight a 5yo, but here we are. my 9 and 7 yo each had a friend sleep over this weekend. My 2yo got a kazoo in his goodie bag from a friends birthday. My kids had money to spend at the store. I'm teaching my kids to read because it's quality time spent together. Me: Its such a great feeling to be so loved by my family. My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house. It is my belief that parenting is kind of like some antidepressants. My kids won't stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we're watching Poltergeist. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. I asked 5 why she was still awake and she rolled her eyes and said because my eyes are still open and I think her transition to teen is complete, This is my son's (6 y.o.) Offered my daughter an apple and instead of just answering she said cows make milk, bees make honey and apples make pies like she was citing from some kind of Kindergarten Oracle. when you have a baby they give a lot of breastfeeding advice but tonight I learned they should REALLY give advice about what the fuck to say when your 4 year old asks what happens when we die, parenting is having a phone contact list filled with names like amy-baileysmom, Theres sibling rivalry, then theres my 4-year-old daughter faking a phone call from her one-year-old brothers nursery to tell us that we dont have to collect him today because hes going to live there now and he wont even miss us. U.S. Thank you. So I guess were business associates now. This time of year can be highly stressful, and there are very few things that can calm down kids who are so excited about Santa Claus. My 7yo asked Tessas parents if they drive dead people around. I must be some type of ninja. Parenting best parenting tweets The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Aug. 6-12) "Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins." By Caroline Bologna Aug 12, 2022, 01:13 PM EDT Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. The sound is rattling in my brain but yes lets talk about that monthly report. So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. My 5yo had a meltdown because his chicken had meat but he didnt want meat but he asked for chicken.And upon further investigation, he wanted bbq chicken not rotisserie. I hope all parents reading this have had a great 2023 so far. Look dad, that star is glitching.We used to call that twinkling but ok. My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends. 3. Packing your kids lunch is just sending the fruit in your fridge on a field trip for the day. It was a station wagon. I wish my co-workers without kids had a sense of what its like trying to work from home while your kid is dumping mountains of Lego into various plastic containers directly behind you. This is fine. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! When you have a baby, it's all about the baby and not about you. Of course, some people don't have a choice in whether they become parents. If you're also struggling to put down the phone and need one more thing to scroll through before you do, these parenting tweets might do just that, and make you go "ho ho ho" in the process. "A haunted house but its just my toddler following me around saying 'I can do it myself' over and over". Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. I took a picture of a kid's chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). Published Jan 13, 2023. Took kids swimming and there were loads of people there. If you are a mom it means sometimes you feel bad about throwing away sticks. I can't wait until the kids get home to try this tactic again. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. The 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week Another week and and another round of funny tweets! 9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and Im hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they dont notice me because I dont want to share. Emptying my pockets before laundry: some tissues, a receipt, huh, thought my lip balm was in there. because it's not 13, 9 and 7. Here are some of the best tweets I've come across this week. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. "Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins. I sent my daughter a text and she responded with I will look into this. Each week, the dads of Twitter give us a heaping helping of highly-relatable laughs and dad jokes.Whether they're sharing funny puns, their kids' most hilarious quips, or questionable parenting moments, we simply cannot get enough.Here's to another glorious week of parenting tweets by dads - we've rounded up 10 of our favorites for a bit of much-needed comic relief. Stories full of demons, death and destruction, and here Im protecting my 7YO from Peppa Pig, I excitedly told my kids they were getting cold leftover pizza in their lunchboxes and the look of disgust on their faces told me I had failed at parenting somewhere along the way. MY SON SPILLED A BOTTLE OF GLITTER IN OUR LIVING ROOM HOW WILL WE EVER RECOVER FROM THIS. Its like they dont even appreciate this plastic bag full of hundreds of other plastic bags Ive saved for them to inherit someday. But most of all I'm teaching my kids to read so they won't ask "What does XJ49PB2 spell?" "but who wiped God's butt? The happy-go-lucky advert with its upbeat music is alluring. ", You know youre getting old when your kids start referring to every old person they know as about your age. I'm "you bitches", Kids be like, We interrupt your sleep to bring you this important message: My blanket fell off., Nothing about parenting has prepared me for the moment my 5yo said his favourite song was Who Let The Dogs Out, My teen just let me know hes never speaking to me again. Parenting tip: For a teething infant, call grandma and tell her to pick up the kid. Sorry I didnt make mashed potatoes. Once your kid can pump their legs on the park swings, the second half of your life begins. This is a clip show with SO many great recomendations, most of which are in the show notes below. Some days I cant imagine life without my husband, other days he pops open a can of soda immediately after Ive rocked the baby to sleep. "'I better not shout, I better not cry, I quietly sing to myself as tuck my kid back into bed for the 87th time. Maybe for Christmas I'll draw him a picture of some toys, I wish the parenting books taught you what to do when your toddler grabs your wifes nose and screams WEINER NOSE, WEINER NOSE!. Kelsey Borresen 12/28/2022. Im just finding this out. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Tie-dye. Welcome back! him: the hard egg with no skin and hair. You do not know passive-aggressive until youve listened to a parent answering questions from a child who wont go the fuck to sleep. My 3 yr old asked if He could play with some cock & balls. My 5yo asked for hot sauce on his dinner. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. They will communicate with . Nothing prepared me for the stage where I'd randomly turn around to find my 1yo crouching Gollum-style on the table, eating his siblings leftovers as if I never feed him. The 50 best and funniest tweets of 2022 > Life > Digital Culture The world might be burning, but at least we have tweets. I dont usually get to. By Georgia Nicols Wednesday . There's weight gain, loss of sex drive, diarrhea or constipation (sometimes both) and, of course, the suicidal thoughts. Have you ever been shopping without your kid and someone's child in the store starts whining to their mother and you breathe a sigh of relief because that could have been you? Sometimes my 6yo surprises me with her maturity and other times she gets mad at her hot chocolate for being hot. The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (December 22, 2022) It's that time of the yearthe kids are out of school, and they are going hog wild. My mom, looking at the baby: oh my gosh! It's that time of the yearthe kids are out of school, and they are going hog wild. I be positive parenting but children dont be positively childrening. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (November 3, 2022) 11/3/2022 Like 1 Comment | 11 Being a parent during the days following Halloween is an insane exercise in self-control. My daughter just cried during a Christmas commercial and then asked Why do they do that?Welcome to commercialism, kiddo. I can't stop laughing. Functioning is something everyone wants to do. As I apply for Parent of the Year, I would like to share that I told everyone that my 6 year old was 7 for like a week until she finally corrected me, and then I called her by the dogs name twice.I would like my prize in small bills pls. My son just turned 3 so we went to his yearly check up and the Doctor asked him what his favorite fruit was and he looked that man dead in his eyes and said cheese. 4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt me: same4yo: *blows whistle again*, my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said i am your mom and she said but like, a cool young fun mom im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that. 4. My son has a dentist appointment at 2.30pm tomorrow. 16 Hilarious Tweets About the Funny, Quirky Things Kids Do, Top 20 Funniest Tweets from Parents This Week, 21 Funny Tweets to Bring Some Laughs to Your Day, Top 20 Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week, 20 Funny and Relatable Tweets From The Mom TruthBomb, 21 Funny and Relatable Tweets About New Years Resolutions, 20 Funny Tweets for Anyone Staying Home on New Years Eve. Sit still you animals ! My wife yells at the kids just before she posts the photo she took of them on Facebook captioned My World. Functioning is something everyone wants to do. 4 says all these cars are in line for gas. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. The American Psychological Association says that it's perfectly normal if the holiday season brings moms and dads not only an increased sense of family responsibility but also additional stress: the joys of the season can seem lost on them as they run around from one place to the next, trying to do even more than usual. My daughter Chewbacca, not so much. Im writing a fantasy fiction novel about a mom that has a cold and her family does things for themselves while she rests. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Start finger painting. Jan 13, 2023, 03:53 PM EST. Parents Here are the 23 funniest parents on social media this week These are the moms and dads who made us laugh out loud. He put a bag over his head and didn't speak the rest of the ride home. Their little bodies can barely hold so much anticipation, which leads to a lot of frantic energy coming your way. Is 14 too early to plan the wedding? *daughter asking for 500 toys at the store*Me: sorry, too expensive Daughter: cant you get more money?? Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! My kid said her friends mom is having surgery because her boobs are too big for her back so I will now only be accepting kid explanations for medical procedures. Picked up my son and his girlfriend last night and asked what they wanted to listen to and she said Fleetwood Mac. You will thank me for this later youre welcome. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. People will tell you that childbirth is the most painful thing you can experience but after watching my toddler try to pick up peas with a fork I'm not so sure. Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 8, 2022. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. my lip balm twisted all the way with no cap, rocks. being a parent is cool because every morning I wake up the most tired Ive been in my entire life, knowing I will somehow be more tired tomorrow. The Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week (July 21, 2022) A wise woman once told me, "Darling, if you have a baby, then you can't be the baby ." Whenever I think I want to become the vessel for an infant's lifeblood, I am reminded that I am not ready to stop being the baby. Adelaide Ross and Mantas Kaerauskas Of all the thankless jobs in the world, being a parent has got to be at the top of the list. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. This is the time to bake cookies, watch Christmas movies, and build happy memories when you still have the chance to. Here in New York City, my friends have taken longer than most to go on the long and exhausting journey of procreation. This is your life now. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. . ". "Time is a human construct." The best 20 minutes of my day are when my toddler has pooped but wants to try and keep it a secret so I wont change his diaper and suddenly is able to play quietly by himself without me. Week after week, the spouses of Twitter deliver some of the most hilarious and relatable quips about the ups and downs of married life. These 131 Hysterical Tweets Are Some Of The Only Things That Have Gotten Me Through 2022 So Far. I have little qualification to speak on this . pic.twitter.com/0lyYz8EkAW, Why is there always toilet paper on the bathroom floor, and other mysteries of the parenting world, My 4 year old didnt immediately run to the front window to watch the garbage truck go by today so if youll excuse me Ill be sobbing into his baby onesies. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! Here are some of the best quips I've come across this week. "- my son, on a theologian's quest. I googled juvenile psychopathy, my husband interrogated our kid. every time we pass another car on the road. I hope my friends dont find out I own a jacket.-Middle Schoolers. me: are you talking about a BOILED egg. A. Parenting is similar. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. told someone i was 36 today. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. I wrote on my kid's school tardy excuse. Once they finally locate and open it, its just going to be filled with everything they made me out of sticks and cardboard in elementary school. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. "Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice". 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. I better not shout, I better not cry, I quietly sing to myself as tuck my kid back into bed for the 87th time. Babies sometimes just happen to people, and that's that. 4 min read Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the. State of the Word 2021 just concluded in NYC. 107d ago today / Parents Here are the 24 funniest parents on. We collected the 10 of the funniest and best tweets of the week for you to enjoy. Tweet. School emails be like:Welcome to X Elementary! When my daughter was 7 years-old she once interrupted a bedtime story to tell me, In a pie-eating contest, it doesnt matter if you win or lose because you get to eat pie. I think about that a lot. She asked if it's a name for goats. When do we learn how to breathe underwater? My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons. The new year was a new flood of email. Edition Parenting funny tweets best parenting tweets The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (March 26-April 1) "It's time to play 'Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?'" By Caroline Bologna Apr 1, 2022, 04:07 PM EDT Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. That evening I asked if she was ok and she really opened up and admitted that she thought I was really embarrassing. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! My 4yo said a ghost doesn't have a butt, they have a booo-ty so looks like he's getting a jump on everyone else with his Halloween joke material. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more! Dimples are just the cutest thing! I told him to eat my shorts cause that's hella whack home skillet. Wishing you all a good weekend! The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (November 10, 2022) - Memebase - Funny Memes The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (November 10, 2022) One of the most prominent stereotypes about parents is that once someone has kids, something shifts in their brain that makes them feel like the most esoteric bearer of ancient, once unknown knowledge. Wishing you all a good weekend! The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (January 5, 2023) Happy New Year, Parents! Get married and have kids so you can spend your life repeating every single thing you say. by Ajani Bazile. My 8yo in a white shirt with a pomegranate and voil! Lets see how this plays out. This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 2, 2022 | Exclaim! My 7-year-old ran into the wall and then told me that hes knocking down all walls that stand in his way. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Nothing says This parenting gig is easy! like using my sons last juice box as a mixer. Good news: It seems like 3yos favorite song is no longer Cotton Eyed Joe.Bad news: Now its the Ghostbusters theme song. My 6yo: There's no school on Friday because it's a teacher planning day. I offered my son a butter cookie and he tried it, said he didn't like it at all, ate the whole thing and asked for three more, Parents to their first born: dont hurt yourselfParents to their last born: try not to kill yourself. The PTA will need a donation equal to your mortgage. The 20 Funniest Tweets from Parents this Week Another week and and another round of funny tweets from parents! My 4-year-old says the wrong name for many things. Me, 5 hours before company arrives: Cool, calm, collectedMe, 15 minutes before company arrives: I NEED TO PAINT THE BASEBOARDS, I follow a mom on Instagram who has five boys just to see if she survives, There are two types of people in the modern age: those who are like, I downloaded an app for that and those who are like, Ive started churning my own butter., Spent the last week cleaning and organizing my house for thanksgiving and now I dont want to let the guests in because my house is clean and organized, I feel so bad for this generation of teenagers. Here are some of the best quips I've come across this week. My child who jokes nonstop about the planet Uranus has recently learned about the country of Djibouti." By. Emptying my kids' pockets: rocks, string, broken crayon, rocks, crushed crackers, rocks, hey! And can I visit for a week or two? Image via @softbalIs on Twitter. She wanted grandchildren, right? Friends and guests of Finding Favorites are back to tell us about their favorite things from 2022. when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say oh hes just tired, were lying, the baby really does hate you, My kid asked me for a burrito but without all the yucky stuff inside so Im pretty sure he wants a tortilla, Welcome to parenthood. 6yo: I love you Me: I love you too!6yo: I wasnt talking to you I was talking to my donut. The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (December 8, 2022) The Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week (December 8, 2022) 12/8/2022 Like 2 Comments | 13 As far as I can remember,. My 5-year-old out of nowhere, "so I didn't get that promotion." Her comedic timing was perfect. The WP Minute - WordPress news. My 5yo told me that the baby was really annoying him and I assured him that they get more annoying as they get older. The idea of them, especially when advertised on TV, is great: I'm into the promise of less sulking, more action, and a relatively positive attitude. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. 10 hours later i remembered I'm 38. 5yo: mommy can you make me a bald egg? My 2yo made it through a 2 hour drive, a 2 hour wait at the airport where he read a book quietly to himself, an hour flight where he happily watched Finding Nemo on silent, a bus ride where he laughed the whole time, and then screamed the entire 15 min drive home in our own car. Part of HuffPost Parenting. Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. I really don't know where this conversation is going. Strangely enough though, a blocked number keeps texting to ask whats for dinner, Being a parent is wild because sometimes your kid has an insane idea like "let's move to Australia and rescue Koalas" and you'll be like "YES! Lots of straight onesMe: pic.twitter.com/p919au4ztR, Making it rain but youre a parent: pic.twitter.com/mKPrrU3eCL, My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father's Day. Why won't you let me live my life" years old. Part of HuffPost Parenting. [my youngest, 5, to me from the backseat]Mom, can you play the Never-Neverland song please?*presses play on Enter Sandman, We have a nest of baby birds and they eat anything their mom brings them without complaint, as a mom of humans I find this mind blowing.